How to become Europe’s next TikTok politician

Are you a (relatively) young man — with just a hint of toxic masculinity — trying to launch your political career but you don’t know where to start?

All you have to do is to become a TikTok influencer.

And if you are not clear on how to get there, Declassified is here to help. We have gathered the best advice (not based on any research or scientific study whatsoever) from the most politically astute minds at POLITICO Towers (according to our mums anyway) and have compiled what can only be described as the best guide you’ll ever read. Period. Without a question. Or so we say. It’s not like we checked. Take the below seriously at your own peril.

The first step is simple: Become a man. We don’t mean that biologically (no one wants to open that can of worms), but philosophically. All the most successful politicians of the past few decades have run campaigns and governed with a manly approach, even the ladies, from Maggie to Giorgia. Embrace the pantsuit.

Here is where things get trickier: You need to learn to use TikTok. Ask your fellow kids how they do, with bright colors, subtitles and crisp video editing — you can hire a team of minions for the last one.

Once you’ve mastered the art of vertical clips, you can start giving your base of supporters what they want: Hot takes. Always assume everyone needs or wants to hear what you have to say, whether you’ve given it much thought or — the preferred option according to this guide — you are simply venting to the world after you read an article about alien abductions your auntie shared on Facebook.

These hot takes need the right environment to prosper (aka go viral). The most successful case study you can use for inspiration is Romanian ultranationalist Călin Georgescu, who just won a shock first-round victory in the country’s presidential election.

When Georgescu wanted to talk about sports, he did it while riding a white horse — a trend Russian President Vladimir Putin started a while ago; to show how much he cared about agriculture, he shot a dramatic, black and white scene in a wheat field (the same one where Theresa May used to run for fun? Unclear at the time of going to press); and to prove he is a man of the people, Georgescu chose to stand awkwardly close to a Romanian carpenter, squeezing his shoulders as he worked, like U.S. President Joe Biden before him.

If you follow our guide to the letter, POLITICO guarantees you will get someone’s attention. Just maybe not for the reasons you might think.

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Can you do better? Email us at gpoloni@politico.eu or get in touch on X @POLITICOEurope.

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